If only women wouldn’t be so darn uppity

So this lovely gem of an article popped up on my google news ticker today: \http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/01/world/europe/01iht-letter.html?_r=1

First of all, whenever an article starts off with a  “Sex and the City” reference, my first reaction is a gigantic eyeroll – does the New York Times really think that women still judge all of their romantic encounters on the basis of that show? Apparently they do, and who knows, maybe I’m in the minority because of the fact that I don’t.

Anyway, Ms. Bennhold then goes on to state that “there is a growing army of successful women in their 30s who have trouble finding a mate and [who] have been immortalized in S.A.T.C. and the Bridget Jones novels.” Aside from yet another SATC reference, has Ms. Bennhold ever read a Bridget Jones novel? I love Bridget, but I would hardly call her a “successful” woman – at least not in the beginning. And, if memory serves, as she becomes more successful, the more she learns about Mark Darcy, and he’s never threatened by her success; in fact, he’s the one who helps her make a name for herself.

After the pop culture references, we read about several couples in which the woman makes significantly more than the man, but who feels the need to have her partner carry on the impression of “man-as-provider.” The men in these relationships apparently wield the credit cards and/or car doors in public but allow their wealthier wives/girlfriends to pay for things in private. Normally, I really don’t care how other couples handle their finances. But this article seems to perpetuate the stereotype that someone in a relationship must wield the power, and that power is all financial.

This totally goes against my beliefs about relationships. Seems to me that committed relationship is about partnership – pooling resources, talents, preferences, and all the rest to make something that is greater than its parts. Of course money plays into that, but everything becomes “ours.” Each couple has to work this out for themselves, of course, and if separate accounts keep the peace in the home, that’s fine. But you have to be united as a team in terms of goals and mutual respect; otherwise the relationship just won’t work. Swiping a credit card or holding a door won’t hold the relationship together if one partner resents the other’s success.

And rather than saying that women shouldn’t settle for a partner who doesn’t respect them or their success in life, Ms. Bennhold quotes some sage dating advice from one of her interviewees: to “find your life partner in your 20s, rather than your 30s, before you’ve become too successful.” Yes, because the key to finding a successful partner is to reel him in before he has a chance to feel intimidated by you! That’s the key, right there…

Nothing like some great anti-feminist propaganda to get me fired up on an otherwise boring afternoon!

Trusting Myself...Or Not

One of the things that was drilled into me as a fundamentalist child is that women can’t be trusted. Aside from the women-have-PMS-and-therefore-shouldn’t-be-President “jokes” (har-d-har-har, amirite?), women in general couldn’t be trusted because they’re “emotional” and thus can’t make good decisions. In that world, women are told that they’re weak, that they’re easily led, easily influenced, and that they can’t trust themselves or other women and must, instead, trust God by trusting the man (husband, father, pastor).

It was essentially a re-packaged version of the old idea that Eve is to blame for everything. Only they’d figured out that modern women - even devoutly religious modern women - don’t like being blamed for a “sin” that may or may not have happened somewhere around 6,000 years ago (give or take a couple thousand years). So they made a “kinder” version where they blame women’s “emotions” for perceived shortcomings, rather than Eve and the apple. (Don’t even get me started on the fact that these same churches ran on the backs of women’s contributions and labor. That’s a rant for another day).

So, I grew up thinking that emotions were bad, because they forced you to make bad decisions. And they made you cry, and that made men uncomfortable. I figured that having emotions/feelings made me unhappy because I had to deal not only with the feeling itself, but also with the judgment for having the feelings in the first place. So I told myself not to feel anything. It sort of worked. Sometimes I’d crack, but it didn’t happen often – and I was glad of that. It made my life easier. For a while, anyway.

Then I left religion and started therapy and had to re-learn to trust myself and my feelings. I’ve come a long, long way since then and I’m glad. But I’m realizing – I still don’t trust other women. I don’t like being around women, I don’t like displays of affection between women, and I loathe anything that even hints at female bonding. I am afraid of the messages I think other women are sending – through body language, clothing, whatever. I am afraid of their judgment. I don’t want to get sucked in to the female world.

At the same time, I love reading the words of smart, sassy women – on APW, on Shapely Prose, on Already Pretty and the bazillion other blogs in my reader. I absolutely believe in feminism and equal marriage rights for our lesbian sisters. I like reading books by and about women. Currently, I’m reading Barbara Walker’s Restoring the Goddess: Equal Rites for Modern Women and in it, she suggests the idea that the Goddess as embodied in all women would create a kinder, gentler world than traditional patriarchy, not only for humans but for animals and the planet as well. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that idea. I think it’s mostly my own religious skepticism; I can’t really buy into the idea of yet another deity, female or not. I just can’t fathom a nurturing, kind world. I want to believe it. I’m pretty sure that if Kate Harding were President, the world would be a better place. But I’m not sure I’m ready to trust women as a whole yet.

Anyway, in thinking about all that, I sort of shocked myself, because I realized that in not trusting women, I’m also not trusting myself fully, either. I still doubt my feelings and perceptions because they might be “tainted” by my femininity. Sure, I might be emotional sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong!

Yet another thing to work on…because I don’t have enough, right?

Shopping and Knitting

Seems like everyone and their mother is writing about "Black Friday" and I guess I'm jumping on the bandwagon. I'm getting annoyed that one of my most favorite holidays - Thanksgiving - is being treated as a "warm up" to Christmas. To me, Thanksgiving is about counting our blessings and being together as a family. According to the TV, though, it's just a fueling station before the real joy of the weekend - shopping. Call me Scrooge, whatever, but there is nothing that I want so badly that I'll get up at 4am to obtain. I did not participate in Black Friday this year, I'm happy to say. Instead, Dave and I went to a craft fair where he bought me my combo Birthday/Christmas present - gorgeous gold earrings that we bought directly from the artist who made them. So take that, advertising!

I was so happy that my Amused was done - I was planning to wear it to Thanksgiving dinner. Remember how I said I was going to use warm water to block it to hopefully shrink it down a smidge in order to wear it? Yeah, blocking made it about 400x too big for me. It's in the frog pond now...

Yet again, something that I knit is far, far too big for me. At least I'm consistent, right?

Books

I saw a link to this website today, and I think it’s brilliant: www.fivebooks.com

Apparently, every day an expert posts his/her top five books on his/her speciality subject, everything from Mathematics to Chick Lit.

I’m thinking it would be a great place for me to start my foray into sciencey stuff, since I’m woefully lacking any scientific background and wouldn’t know where to begin. I think I will start with the books on Man and Ape and work my way into String Theory.

I have to say, though, the topics of Glamour and Historical Fiction seem a bit more appealing at the moment.

Gifts

It’s that time of year. The time where I have to produce the dreaded Christmas list. I know I’m going to sound like a whiny brat, because I realize that I’m incredibly privileged and spoiled. Some people don’t have money for food or heat or medicine, and I whine about having to produce a list of things I’d like (not need) for my family to purchase for me.

That said, it’s a stressful process. I want to put interesting stuff on there - things I’d actually use or like to have. And I do have a few things - I would like a kleen kanteen, and the new Susan Boyle CD (is it any good, though? I haven’t heard). But...that’s pretty much all I can think of. Throw in family members with vastly different budgets for Christmas (like $10 v $100 or more) and it gets tricky. Very tricky.

In fact, I still have birthday money left over, and I’m not sure what to do with that, either. Dave and I would love love love to take a trip to Scotland at some point, and due to wedding gifts, we have a fair amount saved up. Part of me would like to put my birthday money into our Scotland fund, but Dave’s opposed to the idea - which I understand. He wants me to use my birthday money for something fun for me. In past years, I’ve used birthday money for much-needed clothing, but I’m in a position now where I don’t really need to do that (yes, spoiled, I know).

In theory, gift money like this should be used to pamper oneself, right? So how do I go about doing that??? I really feel like I have enough “stuff” - enough yarn, plenty of reading material, things like that. I’d like to invest the money somehow - not in the stock market sense (it’s not THAT much money), but in the “investing in myself” sense. A class of some kind? Yoga studio membership for a month? Career counseling?

Barring that, maybe I should donate it. There are people who need it more than I do, that’s for sure. And I guess I did donate some of it to the APW pledge drive. I don’t know...it was given generously by my family for me to enjoy, and I really, really appreciate that. I feel like a total brat for not figuring out a way to enjoy it. And at the same time, I feel like an even bigger brat for needing to figure out what to tell these same people to get me for Christmas! Urg, I just can’t win.

Domestic Weekend

One of the things on my life list is to develop more skills in the kitchen, via the great Julia Child. I'm already a fairly decent cook - I feel like I can say that confidently, based on the fact that I like to eat what I cook, my husband likes to eat what I cook, I'm asked to bring things to family dinners, and I've never poisoned anyone. I can follow pretty much any recipe and I've developed a few of my own. That said, I don't have much technical knowledge in the kitchen. So, I'm hoping that by reading and trying some of Julia's recipes, I'll learn a bit and become more competent in the kitchen. Plus, it's fun.

So today I decided to make Eggs Benedict, using Julia's Hollandaise sauce recipe. It worked perfectly, creating a smooth, rich, yummy sauce. I was a bit taken aback to discover, though, that the main ingredient in Hollandaise is butter - lots of butter. One and a half sticks, to be precise. Julia says that once one has more experience making sauce, one can incorporate up to two sticks, just in case the smaller amount isn't rich enough. Because I'm trying to practice intuitive eating, I tried not to care about just exactly how much fat was in this morning's breakfast...but still, that's a hell of a lot of butter.

Anyway, I also cast off on Amused today. I breathlessly tried it on only to discover....it's too big. The bottom ribbing fits my hips rather nicely, but the armholes and bust look giant. I'm wondering if maybe there's something about the top-down raglan construction that doesn't work for me. I've tried it on other sweaters and it always looks...off. My guess is that even though I have big boobs, my shoulder area is smaller. When I knit things based on bust measurement, the corresponding shoulder/arm measurement is too big. Not sure where to measure to see if that's true, though. Maybe high bust? Anyway, I also discovered that my gauge was too big by 1/4 stitch per inch. So, the combination of the two means that the sweater is too big. I gave it a wash in warm water, hoping to shrink it a bit, and it's drying now. Worst case, it will be a weekend sweater. Not what I was hoping for, but at least I'll get some wear out of it. I suppose if I were a perfectionist, I'd frog the whole thing and start again...but that's not going to happen.

Privacy and Pictures

I’ve been wondering if I should put pictures up on the blog. I know some of the posts would definitely be more interesting if I did (especially the knitting and wedding posts). But at the same time, I’m afraid of putting myself out there too much. I guess I’m afraid of over-sharing and of opening myself up to criticism. Also, two of my favorite bloggers (Kate of the now sadly archived Shapely Prose and Cecily of Uppercase Woman) have mentioned getting absolutely heinous hate mail and I certainly don’t want to deal with that. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve said anything that’s super controversial (though I’m sure I will at some point), and I don’t exactly have a huge readership right now.

For a long time, I was very careful to keep my name and face off the internet all together. I was afraid of being “found” by the abusive asshole I dated when I was 19-21. For a year after we broke up, he would call me at random times (sometimes in the middle of the night), asking me for money and such. I changed my phone number, but I was still terrified that he would find me. He never made specific threats or anything (he would say things like “I’ll make your life a living hell” though, which was scary enough), but he also very clearly violated my multiple requests that he leave me alone, so I knew I couldn’t trust him.

Now that I’m married and I have a new name, I’m not as scared any more. It also helps that by living with a man,  I don’t feel nearly as vulnerable. If someone dangerous did show up at my house, my husband is there too, and he can be pretty intimidating (heh - I’m making my husband sound like a guard dog!).

So, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to take those arty pictures that shows stuff without showing my face? We’ll see.